Do Not Disturb

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.

-Brene Brown

First of all, my wife is going to be thrilled that I'm using a Brene Brown quote to frame this post. I've never read or watched any of her work, but I'm familiar with her overall philosophy and message based on my wife's fandom. She recommends I read some of her stuff or listen to her podcast or something, but I don't ever find the time to get around to it because I struggle with setting boundaries. I spend a very small portion of my time doing things that I want to do. Most of my time is dedicated to doing what other people want or need me to do. I'm guessing most of you are the same way. We are spouses, educators, parents, coaches, friends, children to aging parents... The list of roles we play is endless, and sometimes by the time we put in all of the work we feel we need to do to fill those roles, there just isn't really much left to just be ourselves for the sake of ourselves. 

I am sure that self care was a topic of conversation before the pandemic, but I don't remember hearing about it as much as I have over the last year and a half. Maybe it is because the pandemic was just so much that we had to start thinking about how to take better care of ourselves, or maybe it was the shock of the world stopping and all of those extra things just disappearing overnight that showed us just how thinly spread we really are. We didn't even know it was happening as one thing after another layered on day-by-day. "Sure, I can take on that one more thing." How many times do we do that in a week? A month? A year? The tiny things that we take on have a cumulative effect on us. We are walking around with the weight of our overburdened lives heaped on our backs, but because the weight was added feather-by-feather, we didn't notice the weight becoming too much. 

Enter Covid-19, and a massive amount of the things that have been weighing us down simply went away for a significant period of time. No more sports schedules, meetings, social engagements, appointments. We had nothing to do even if we wanted to. With so many obligations taken off of the table, the only thing for us to do was to find ways to occupy our time seeking enjoyment for ourselves. I know my family spent way more time going on walks and bike rides. Recently, we had this conversation, and our youngest pointed out that we ate dinner together at the table every night during those months of strictest lockdown. This last week, we haven't eaten together a single time. In fact, I don't remember the last time we did. Life is back in full force, and unlike the gradual piling on the first time around, this time it all got thrown on us much quicker, and we are feeling it.

I think we are feeling this in the classroom in a unique way because our model for teaching changed a bit through the pandemic. We had to adapt to a more virtual classroom environment. Physical resources and assignments became electronic, and as our pedagogy became more virtual, I think students and parents began to view us more virtually as well. Whereas before, our personhood was far more obvious-- you asked questions in-person, turned things in in-person, picked up materials in-person-- now there is this idea that we are virtually available all of the time. Questions can be asked via email at all hours. Materials can be requested whenever the requester decides they need something. Like the obligations being piled on before, we didn't even notice it happening. It was so incremental, and we were so focused on making the most of a bad situation, that we didn't see the weight we were taking on. It seemed temporary, and we are strong, capable professionals; we can do anything temporarily, but it isn't temporary anymore. 

We are going to have to get better at setting boundaries, both individually and as an organization. This article from Forbes focuses primarily on setting boundaries when working from home, but in our business the line between work and home can be very blurry regardless of a pandemic. So many teachers bring work home and bring home to work that the two end up feeling like one and the same, so as I read this article, it still rang true for me, and I think you will find it hits the mark with you as well. So what do we do about it? I think every item on the list has merit for us as individuals, but the one I think we really need to dig into as an organization is Number 6 - Set communication guidelines with your colleagues and team. I really try to make an effort not to send out informational emails after hours or on the weekends. I don't want anyone to feel like they need to respond to something from me when they are "off the clock". If something can wait until the morning of the next working day, I wait until then to address it. That is one simple way that we can start creating some space between home and work for each other. I think it goes beyond that though, because I'm guessing it isn't our colleagues that are making us feel like we are chained to our work 24/7. My proposal is that we spend time at our November Working Lunch developing communication guidelines that use internally with each other and a set of guidelines we can share with parents and students. My hope is that making that change will allow us all to grant the permission to ourselves to step across that boundary into the place where we can focus on our own needs.